Today I woke up at 5 am.
No, it’s not because I’m a super achiever entrepreneur tony robbins shit. Before I slept, I drank 3 Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Drinking usually wakes me up in the middle of the night, and tonight was no different. Usually when this happens, I go take a piss, and go back to sleep. This time I couldn’t, I was up.
It was too damn cold to get out of bed, so I reached for my phone to scroll thru Facebook. I questioned humanity. All I saw on facebook were post about “Top 10 things to do while being a shitty millennial” or people bragging about their lives in one way or another.
Here’s how I feel when I go on Facebook:
I feel that most of my Facebook friends lack depth. They have not done any self-development at all. They are still seeking validation for things that don’t deserve validation (going on a date, going to the gym, eating out). I mean if they started their own company, wrote a well written blog or something fucking cool, then I would love for them to share it. (Infact, one of my friend’s started Humans of Socal, very cool idea). But going to the gym, or eating out…. means you are living an everyday normal fucking life. Stop sharing it because it’s the same shit that everyone else is doing. Facebook makes me question the general population’s ability to make original thought & content. Luckily, I follow pages like “Embarrassing Night Club Photos” and “Men’s Humor” that provide me comedic relief.
After I finished scrolling thru Facebook’s newsfeed. I switched over to Instagram, that was a mistake.
It’s hard to put Instagram in words… because well… there are no words. Instagram bypasses any chance of having depth by keeping words to a minimum. It’s impossible to be awkward on Instagram because you don’t have enough room to write anything retarded. It also gives people permission to indulge in shameless self-love.
This is how Instagram makes me feel:
Most men have fled Instagram at this point, and it’s now a female dominated App., 90% of what people post are either pictures of themselves or pictures of their food. Neither I care to look at. If there is a female I do want to look at, I will deliberately go to their Facebook page and lurk their photo album. I will then nonchalantly hit the like button for every picture I believe she is cute in. This is to plant the seed so she knows what’s up next time I see her. Anyhow, back to Instagram, I don’t think I’ll ever become an avid user. Instagram doesn’t make me laugh, or add knowledge, so I don’t see the point. Maybe that’s very caveman male thinking, but w/e it doesn’t seem useful at all.
After I finished scrolling thru Instagram, I open up my Gmail account that is linked to YouTube . I can read all my comments and notifications from there. Nothing makes me feel more like a fucking boss than seeing new subscribers and getting positive comments.
This is how I feel when I’m on YouTube:
I feel like a motherfucking boss when I’m on my YouTube Channel. I feel like I have the most intelligent fans out there. People that like my channel have good taste, and have the potential to be amazing people. YouTube itself has the best content out there, better than any other platform. There are definitely trolls on YouTube comments, but it also has some of the funniest responses I’ve ever read in my life. I’ve had the fortunate opportunity to make incredible friendships through the YT community. YouTube is fucking perfect, don’t you dare question its beauty. I see myself using YouTube for a long long time.
After checking my YouTube for updates, I made the mistake of checking my Okcupid. OKCupid is simultaneously the best free dating website, and the shittest way to meet someone. Lets see how ridiculous this app makes me feel:
Nothing makes me feel more like a retarded chode than this App. If I only dated girls from this app, you would only see me with fat girls. Fat girls that just watch shows on Netflix and take pictures of their food (aka a fat caterpillar lard). This app is really special because not only does it make me feel like a retarded chode, it also makes me feel insecure about my height and looks. We all know that the contents of a profile doesn’t matter (that’s why newer dating apps have minimal profiles). While girls are receiving 50 messages a day, I’m sending out 50 messages, and maybe getting one response. Not only is this a huge time burner, but also makes me feel unworthy. Girls I would never date in real life are rejecting me over the internet. What kind of mindfuck shit is that. While I’m writing this, I’m actually debating if I should delete my profile forever.
I thought about it, I decided not to make any rash decisions and kept it.
Lastly, lets talk about Yelp. Yelp is funny because it makes people want to write like they’re some boss food critic. Bro, you are a person with a smart phone, lets not get crazy. At one point in my life, there was nothing more important to me than becoming a Yelp Elite. I’m an elitist in everything I do, so naturally I should be a Yelp Elite. I wrote Yelp reviews, and actually built a small fanbase from them.
However, even though many people raved about my reviews, the Yelp community manager didn’t. He declined my request to be Yelp elite. Fuck that guy, who is he to judge me. Either way, it was big ego stroke for me to get Yelp compliments from people who thought I was funny.
I’ve ceased writing reviews because Yelp doesn’t appreciate my humor
How funny is it that I can go from one App and feel like a MOTHERFUCKING PIMPASS BOSS (YouTube), then use my thumb to slide over to another app and feel like an insecure bitch (OKCupid). It’s amazing how these little words & pictures on a screen can effect our emotions because it’s so real to us. Next time I start using a new App *cough* Tinder *cough*, I’m going to consider how the App makes me feel before deciding to persist with it.
ps: I thought about OKCupid some more, I decided to deactivate my account, but didn’t delete it. I may need it for the dark times that might come.